I’ve been feeling fragmented lately. Things just don’t seem to fit together well anymore. 2012 has been a year of change and reassessment of priorities and relationships. Grief does that. It brings a new perspective on life. It also makes time pass slowly – days seem like weeks, hours seem like days, and minutes seem like hours. Grief forces you to live in the ‘now’ because the past is painful and doesn’t exist anymore, and it is all too apparent that the future may never come. I’ve been reflecting on my life. Less than a year ago, Beth died suddenly, aged 64. I’m faithfully putting money into my superannuation scheme so that when I finally retire at 65, I’ll have enough money to eke out a living and do some things that I’d LIKE to do instead of what I HAVE to do.
I’ve got twenty years of my working life ahead of me. I started to think… Do I want to be spending my life this way? Is this really what I want to do? Could I really do this kind of work for another twenty years? Can I really tolerate ‘cublicle land’ for that long? Do I want to spend two hours a day commuting through traffic? Could I be doing something else? What do I want to do? What if I don’t make it to 65 either? Would I be content that I’d spent all this time doing something I don’t really care about?
Sure, I’ll be able to take a trip when I retire but why am I working so hard now for something that might never happen? Urgghhh.
When those BIG questions in life start rolling around inside, they gather momentum and before you know it, everything is being questioned. Nothing remains safe – every rock will be looked under, every cobweb blown out in the quest to rearrange, restructure, revitalise.
I needed a new perspective. I felt like I was looking too closely at things and needed a bigger picture. About a month ago, just before midday on a Friday I heard a helicopter zoom over my city office and knew instantly that a flight in a chopper was something I needed to do. I don’t like flying and have been trying to work through the reasons why, so that I can take trips without being totally anxious. I decided a helicopter flight would help me gain some perspective on life, conquer my fears or just scare some sense into me!!! I booked for us to go for a Saturday morning flight over the city to the coast and back.
It was fantastic. I’ve lived in this city for over 30 years and could pick out roads, parks, sporting fields, buildings. It was all so familiar but looked so different. It was just what I needed. Sweeping views of the Swan River, the city foreshore, the port and coastline. I loved being high above it all looking down and caught in a perspex bubble. It was a perfect day and I didn’t know it then, but it started the ball rolling. I flew without issue and realised I needed to make some big changes. Life would be different from now on. Life would be for living, for enjoying. Now and in the future.